The world of hunk-rap has been shaken to its very core today: The news has broken that Chris “Breezy” Brown (as himself, Tim Westwood and nobody else calls him), “Drizzy” Drake and Meek Mill all had a bit of a tear-up last night. According to Hot 97 (which is Reuters for this kinda shit), Drake and recent recording partner, Meek Mill, rocked up into NYC’s Club Whip, presumably looking for a swift half and a quick go on the Deal Or No Deal quiz machine. But, low and behold, rapper, dancer and “world’s most positive man” Chris Brown was in there. Shit kicked off.
Details are sketchy, all we really know is that “bottles were thrown”. And of course, Rihanna, the Lil Kim-esque femme-fatale of modern hip-hop, was involved. According to Hot 97, everything is “effed up now”, but, until the CCTV footage gets leaked we don’t really know how the fight went. Luckily, with my Tekken 3-based fighting experience, I have enough combative expertise to speculate who would have thrown down the best.
The question is, Drake, Chris, or Meek? WHO YA GOT?
Drake
Alright, his musical output doesn’t really suggest a man who’s spent much time in the MMA Octagon, but I think Drake is tougher than the second half of Take Care suggests. First of all, as anyone who’s ever walked around the Reading Festival campsite on a Sunday will tell you, emos can be tougher than they look. All that emotional repression and heartbreak has to go somewhere, and more often than not it manifests itself in violence.
Drake looks like he might just switch on you, I mean, he’d cry whilst doing it, but he’d switch on you alright. It’d be all slaps and spits and yelps, but faced with that kind of pugnacious lunacy, even Kimbo Slice would play dead.
Chris Brown
No doubt Breezy is the worst kind of fighter, the guy who thinks he’s Bruce Lee, but is actually a little bit more Bruce Hornsby. He’d probably stand about slapping his thighs saying, “motherfucker, WHAT!” and “I got you baby!” for half-an-hour before anything happened. He’d take off his shirt, put it back on and then take it off again. It would be a tedious routine of posturing designed to make him look up for it, but when the shit hit the fan, he’d get battered.
All woman beaters are like that, all mouth and no balls. Either that, or his most-positive-man-in-the-world act is more than just a PR rouse and he really has had a road-to-Damascus couple of years. If that’s the case, he’d probably go in for some hugging action, shouting “It’s ok, they no not what they do, baby” whilst the Maybach goons stomp him.
