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We Reviewed Every Band That’s Playing Bonnaroo 
Every year, countless people migrate from around the world to attend Bonnaroo, a three-day bacchanalia of tent cities, blistering heat, and unshowered people on ecstasy feeling each other up to a variety of popular pop, rock, hip-hop, and EDM from the past and present. This year, Bonnaroo outdid itself in terms of headliners, booking Kanye West, Sir Elton John, and Jack White as the marquee acts for the fest. Because we are the greatest and best music site the world has ever known, Noisey editors Eric Sundermann and Drew Millard took it upon themselves to review the entire lineup in the span of about twenty minutes. What follows are their unedited thoughts on every single band that Bonnaroo booked this year. SPOILER ALERT: They hadn’t heard of like half of them. 
Kanye WestYeezy is the greatest artist of our generation and while on stage he wears a discoball on his head and fistbumps with Jesus Christ.
Elton JohnWho?
Jack WhiteThis guy still really likes guitars.
Arctic MonkeysThe Arctic Monkeys are still really big in the UK because the UK is still really into leather jackets.
Frank OceanAlready wears headbands, he’ll be perfect.
Neutral Milk HotelYou have a friend who really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really likes this band.
Wiz KhalifaNot that tight.
SuperJam with Skrillex & FriendsSweat.
SuperJam “?”idk lol
The Bluegrass Situation Superjam hosted by Ed HelmsYou know, I don’t mind the last few seasons of The Office.
DisclosureOne time I interviewed Disclosure and had no idea who they were, then I listened to their record, and then I realized neo-garage was stupid as shit.
Cut CopyPitchfork
The Head and the HeartAccording to google, The Head and the Heart are an indie-folk band, which would explain why no Noisey reader has ever heard of them.
ZeddY R U MY CLARITY
Ms. Lauryn HillEntire set will be cut off if anyone looks them in the eyes.
Funkiest DancerApparently Bonnaroo does this thing where they hold a competition for the “funkiest dancer,” and that’s what this is, and tbqh kind of makes me not want to go to Bonnaroo.
Janelle MonáeEveryone wants Janelle Monae to be better than Janelle Monae will ever be.
GrouploveThis is a band for boring people who think having sex with the lights on is kinky.
Amos LeeAcoustic guitar
Capital CitiesI’m getting to the part of the list of bands I don’t recognize.
Jake BuggInvariably, when I google the acts on this list I’ve never heard of, I find that there’s a good reason I’ve never heard of them.
Dr. DogFascinating fact: Dr. Dog is the band that Noisey gets pitched on, by both writers and publicists, that we refuse to cover. See?
Yonder Mountain String BandBeards.
John Butler TrioWhite-dude-with-dreadlocks music. Not the worst, if you’re into that sort of thing, which I’m not.
Little DragonGame of Thrones returns April 6.
Read the Whole List

We Reviewed Every Band That’s Playing Bonnaroo 

Every year, countless people migrate from around the world to attend Bonnaroo, a three-day bacchanalia of tent cities, blistering heat, and unshowered people on ecstasy feeling each other up to a variety of popular pop, rock, hip-hop, and EDM from the past and present. This year, Bonnaroo outdid itself in terms of headliners, booking Kanye West, Sir Elton John, and Jack White as the marquee acts for the fest. Because we are the greatest and best music site the world has ever known, Noisey editors Eric Sundermann and Drew Millard took it upon themselves to review the entire lineup in the span of about twenty minutes. What follows are their unedited thoughts on every single band that Bonnaroo booked this year. SPOILER ALERT: They hadn’t heard of like half of them. 

Kanye West
Yeezy is the greatest artist of our generation and while on stage he wears a discoball on his head and fistbumps with Jesus Christ.

Elton John
Who?

Jack White
This guy still really likes guitars.

Arctic Monkeys
The Arctic Monkeys are still really big in the UK because the UK is still really into leather jackets.

Frank Ocean
Already wears headbands, he’ll be perfect.

Neutral Milk Hotel
You have a friend who really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really likes this band.

Wiz Khalifa
Not that tight.

SuperJam with Skrillex & Friends
Sweat.

SuperJam “?”
idk lol

The Bluegrass Situation Superjam hosted by Ed Helms
You know, I don’t mind the last few seasons of The Office.

Disclosure
One time I interviewed Disclosure and had no idea who they were, then I listened to their record, and then I realized neo-garage was stupid as shit.

Cut Copy
Pitchfork

The Head and the Heart
According to google, The Head and the Heart are an indie-folk band, which would explain why no Noisey reader has ever heard of them.

Zedd
Y R U MY CLARITY

Ms. Lauryn Hill
Entire set will be cut off if anyone looks them in the eyes.

Funkiest Dancer
Apparently Bonnaroo does this thing where they hold a competition for the “funkiest dancer,” and that’s what this is, and tbqh kind of makes me not want to go to Bonnaroo.

Janelle Monáe
Everyone wants Janelle Monae to be better than Janelle Monae will ever be.

Grouplove
This is a band for boring people who think having sex with the lights on is kinky.

Amos Lee
Acoustic guitar

Capital Cities
I’m getting to the part of the list of bands I don’t recognize.

Jake Bugg
Invariably, when I google the acts on this list I’ve never heard of, I find that there’s a good reason I’ve never heard of them.

Dr. Dog
Fascinating fact: Dr. Dog is the band that Noisey gets pitched on, by both writers and publicists, that we refuse to cover. See?

Yonder Mountain String Band
Beards.

John Butler Trio
White-dude-with-dreadlocks music. Not the worst, if you’re into that sort of thing, which I’m not.

Little Dragon
Game of Thrones returns April 6.

Read the Whole List

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    you people are literally the reason everyone thinks bonnaroo is going to shit
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